An Only Child

July 1, 2015
(Me and 13 month old Arizona)

As a young girl, I dreamed of becoming a mother some day. I was raised in a fairly large family (I have 3 sisters and a brother) and wanted something similar for myself.

But, as it turned out, I had an extremely challenging pregnancy. And then, I had an extremely challenging newborn. I kept waiting for Arizona to “grow out of” her issues and afflictions; but they ended up just morphing into new and different hurdles and now here we are 9 years later and I’m still waiting for normalcy to hit. Exhale!

A few years after Arizona was born, I got pregnant again. It wasn’t planned and was shocking news. I wasn’t sure I wanted another baby. I could barely manage all of Arizona’s needs; what more could I handle? My second pregnancy was worse than the first. I was so sick and unable to function. But eventually, as the pregnancy continued forward, I was overcome with a sense of peace : Aha! This decision was greater than me.

A few weeks later, my ob/gyn confirmed that my baby’s heartbeat had stopped.

I felt sad, but I also felt guilty. During the height of my sickness with pregnancy #2, I told the baby I didn’t want it. Terminating the pregnancy was a thought that crept into my mind more than once.

Needless to say, one of the biggest feelings I’ve had to work through as a mother is GUILT for not being able to give Arizona any siblings.

At the same time, I had a strong epiphany a few years ago, in an intense session with my therapist : it is absolutely OKAY for me to “just” have one child. I am no less of a mother for it.

We all have our unique journeys and being a mother to an only child is part of mine.

How did you envision your family structure? What was surprising and what wasn’t? What are the “PROS” to your current situation?

Don't Miss A Blog Post!

Enter your email below to join my email newsletter.